The dictionary’s definition of a “Hero” is a person who is admired or idealized for courage, or noble qualities. But used by a Chinese person, “Hero” or 英雄 ying xiong stops becoming a compliment. It is used on a person trying to prove he/she has noble-r qualities than others, but ends up looking like an idiot or paying for it. Take for example a person who walks out in the dead of winter with just a wife-beater-tank top on. That is a hero. When used, it sounds a little like this, “Damn hero!” sarcastically. Or, “Look, hero!”

In any case, I became a hero this weekend.

I tried to exercise and am suffering the consequences for it today (and probably the next few years).

Hubs decided, on a sudden whim on Friday night, to utilize my sister’s gym at her new apartment on Saturday morning. You know what they say, the early bird catches the worm. In our case, the early gymsters get clean equipment.

As expected, at 8 am on a Saturday, there was no one in the gym. We had it all to ourselves. I was drawn to the elliptical machine. I stood on it, and pressed the start button, half expecting it to turn on and start moving by itself. In my defense, I’ve never been on these machines before. I told hubs the machine was broken. He checked if it was “hooked” up to an electrical outlet. Nope. Not even a wire. Broken.

For shits and giggles, I started moving on the machine. It came alive! Eureka!

Oops! So that’s how you “turn on” these suckers. Still unsure what to do other than move, I simply hit the “manual” button. Off we go. Not 30 seconds into the run, I felt my thighs burning. Oh boy! I don’t think I can stay on it another minute.

Hubs got on the machine next to me and turned on the TV, while telling me I was making too much noise. He rolled his eyes when I told him about my eroding leg muscles (in my case, blubber).

Flip • Fox 911 coverage  • Flip • CNN 911 coverage •  Flip • More 911 coverage • Flip • Fishing (NO!!!!!) • Flip •  Three Stooges: caveman episode

Perfect. We were the Two Stooges: heroes episode.

After what felt like an eternity, which the machine corrected me as 11 minutes, with no sensation left to my legs as it went on auto pilot, I stumbled off the elliptical. After all that hard work, I lost only 50 calories.

Maybe I’ll just drink juice for the day.

I thought it best that I sat after the arduous and trying voyage. With wobbly legs, I sat on a Bowflex look-a-like machine with a pulley from the top to work the arms. I tried using it. Couldn’t even budge the thing. I looked. What’s the bright idea of leaving the weight in at 50 lbs?!

I readjusted the weight to the lowest (but still too much) at 20 lbs and tried it again. Much better. I must have done at least 3 reps of 10s: back pull, front pull and a row. Don’t ask me what they are for. Most likely for the triceps and to build “wings.” I hope my chest doesn’t flatten out even more after this. I felt good after this one. Nothing hurt.

Then, upon hub’s urging, I went on the bicep curl machine to work on my little mice. Can’t have the triceps all buffed while the biceps jiggled. (more apt the other way around) Arrrgh! That was the first try after I loosen and readjusted the weights to the lowest possible point. It didn’t budge one bit. I tried again and clenched my teeth this time and tighten every muscle in my body in preparation for the heft. I grunted. I wiggled. I left the unconquerable machine.

I went back to the trusty Bowflex and did my thing on it again. By this time, I wasn’t counting. I was just wasting time, waiting for hubs to be done with his chest pumps (or pretending to sweat on a machine).

Hubs got on the stair climber and told me to get on the stationary bike. That I did, but the last person there was like 10 feet tall and I could barely reach the pedals. While I struggled for at least 2 minutes, not knowing how to push the seat closer, hubs finally came to my rescue, after laughing at me for a good 1.5 minutes while calling me a dwarf. He’s just jealous of my height. I finally finished 10 minutes on that bike, burning a total of 20 calories.

Great. I can add air to my juice intake now.

After that, I was ready to crawl back into bed, but hubs said it was time for breakfast. We went up to my sister’s, waiting for her to be ready. In the mean time, hubs watched the Arsenal vs. Bolton Barclays Premier League Game, while I chatted with my father online. DC on the other hand, was waiting for her newly delivered mirror to be brought up by the boys of the apartment building.

10:00 became 11:00. By the time we left the apartment, the mirror was half assembled and the football game was on half time. So much for breakfast.

When we got to the diner outside the house, we had brunch. I ate half my Thai chicken sandwich with extra soggy fries (even though both my sister and hubs got extra crispy ones). There goes my morning “work out” and then some more. Hubs just wolfed down his Italian Omelet like he was drinking water. I guess he must have been hungry, or something.

During brunch, dc suggested we tackle the xp90, a 90-day workout craze on tv. I told her, at the rate that we exercise, it will be a 90-month workout, which will take roughly two years to complete, instead of 3 months.

After running errands and feeling utterly exhausted the rest of the day, from lack of sleep due to a blocked nose, we returned home for take out dinner. Ok. I officially have to workout for the rest of my life to burn off all the food I ate on Saturday alone. The day ended back at my sister’s apartment, where hubs took pictures of the Manhattan skyline with the 911 lights in the sky.

I was lounging, stretched out, on my sister’s white leather couch watching the first season of Naruto Shippuden on Disney XD. Man! The subbing is horrible. But the story is still great. The series is currently on Season 9 in Japan.

Sunday was a rainy day. Surprisingly, I wasn’t hurting when I woke up. It could be because I wasn’t sleeping at all. Every time I fell asleep, I would wake up gasping for air. The blasted nose is clogged!

Like any other Sunday, it was a day of rest, chores and once a week of Pilates (sleeping on the floor in my case). Instead of Pilates, I decided to put on a DVD on ABS. I rolled out my yoga mat and immediately got into action. Lying on the floor, with my knees bended and my hands propping me up/holding my weight, I was told by the instructor to begin cycling clockwise with my legs lifted. It started out pretty easy. By the time he counted to 25, it wasn’t my abs that was hurting, but my hip bone!

When he said to reverse it for another 25, I heard my hip bone creak in protest, very silently. I pushed on, since it was only the first routine. The rest of the 30 minutes was spent on my back, in various twisted position, lengthening, planking, x-ing, hip-lifting my way to rock hard abs. However, by the end of it, it wasn’t my abs that were throbbing. My tail bone on my ass was sore. My hip bones got the brunt of the punishment. Most surprisingly, my arms started screaming when I tried lifting up my hand. It didn’t occur to me that my arms were the ones doing the heavy lifting, supporting most of my weight on the floor throughout the exercise routine.

Now I feel really old and rickety.

I woke up this Monday morning with no aches, just a tingling on the belly, and was congratulating myself on my limberness. I slapped on ultra high-heeled boots and went off to work.

I sat down at work and didn’t move for 2 hours. When I stood up, I felt my hip bone lock. For a good minute, I stood at my desk, unable to move, unable to sit. I tried taking a step, but felt like my hip bones have ossified. With each step, I felt like I was Frankenstein, walking funny with my knees bent, a watermelon between my legs and my arms unable to stretch. Even my stomach hurt from sneezing and laughing. Everything was just painful. By the end of the day, most things were oiled but I was still walking funny; just less Frankenstein, more Igor.

Maybe I should stop working out, or better yet, stop being a hero.